So, you’ve landed your first, proper job. Like a real-life adult and everything. Result! Then it slowly dawns on you… How the HELL am I supposed to act? Will I make any friends? What’s my first outfit? What if everyone is loads older than me? What if they realise I’m not actually a Microsoft Excel wizard?

1. WHAT THE F%$K DO I WEAR?

Heads up, you will be thinking about this for at least a week before you start. You get an email saying ‘We’re all pretty smart casual here.’

Well Sandra, that’s not really helping me now, is it? Are we talking trainers, or a daytime heel? Help a sister out.

2. Nailing the names

So, you’ve just been introduced to 30 people in the space of 30 minutes. Time of course for this classic exchange…

“Hi. Nice to meet you. My name’s Sam. It’s my first day”

“Oh hi Sam, I’m *white noise*… Great to have you on board!”

So that’s the next 2 months trying to work out who you are sorted. Brilliant.

3. “Does anyone want a cup of tea?”

The first attempt at being helpful…which is followed by the most awkward of silences. Your options?

Either say it again 10x louder or just keep your head down and pretend it never happened.

4. Sitting in a meeting and not having a clue what’s happening

Everyone in this room may as well be speaking fluent Japenese. Just sit there, smile and pray to the heavens nobody asks ‘So… what do you think?’

What do I think? I think I have no idea what you’re on about, that’s what I think.

5. Not knowing when you can unleash your weirdness

Okay, so you don’t want to seem like a total bore, but at the same time, how soon is too soon to start being a bit weird?

Will you all embrace me and start to think I’m the fun, young newbie… or are you going to send emails to each other on the sly, talking about how I need to chill aaaaaaaaall the way out.

6. Figuring out the techy stuff

You get asked to print off a presentation for your manager. That’s fine. You can do this. It’s just a printer. No biggy.

Do I need to ask for help? Nah. I got this.

Reality: you and your pride have meant that you’re now standing over this thing for a solid 10 minutes trying to wrap your brain around it, and end up printing the sodding thing 5 times on A3 paper. Give me strength.

7. The first time socialising

It’s your first works do. Finally, the chance to make everyone see the real you.

And what do you go and do? Freak the f*ck out and end up drowning your nerves in pinot, and making a total idiot out of yourself.

The Sunday dread will be too real. Walking into the office on that Monday morning is gonna be a fresh, new hell.

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