Not gonna lie, all this build up is getting a bit stressful now. From present shopping on a threadbare shoestring to the realisation you left it way too late to get your train ticket and could be going on a European mini break for the cost of your trip home, it’s been real, too real.
The end is in sight. With any luck you are just a couple of tear inducing last minute shopping trips and a few ‘well I really deserve this’ drinks away from the big day. Basically, your chance to CHILL is coming so hold on tight. Unless you agreed to host this year, then we’re praying for you, you brave unfortunate babes.
Of course the stress levels won’t just casually drop come December 25th, there will be hurt feelings, grateful feelings, loved up feelings, seriously pissed off and probably drunk feelings but to summarise…
Unless handled with caution, the aforementioned feels could result in a nausea inducing roller coaster of a day, so here’s how to boss it boohoo style…
You are in the OMG I can’t wait for Christmas camp OR the feeling fragile and antisocial from the night before crew, either way your mum/dog/kid sister ain’t gonna let you sleep so you may as well drag yourself out of bed and head downstairs. Give out some hugs, grab a breakfast cocktail and curl up on the couch, just in time for The Cat in the Hat (7.35am BBC2), old school laughs, warm feelings and fizz will bring you back to life.
You don’t like The Cat in the Hat?!
Presents from the OG fam opened, the dog has left a trail of shiny shredded wrap for you to clear away. A frantic search has begun for batteries to power your youngest sibling’s new toy (chances are you hid the double As to avoid the annoying noise it’s bound to make), do yourself a favour and stay right where you are for The Bee Movie (10.20am BBC2). Cute fuzzy fun for all!
You’ve had a little nap; some extra rellies twice removed have arrived and pinched your cheeks even though you graduated from cheruby cuteness a good 8-10 years ago. You’ve handled the usual ‘where’s your life going and why don’t you have a boyfriend’ questions with Oscar worthy sass and enough humour to keep them sweet so yes, you do deserve that vino with dinner (make it a large).
The ‘rents have done you proud, there’s an absolute feast, carved to perfection, and “no, mum the gravy isn’t lumpy”. This is your time to focus on the fam 100% because crackers, jokes and side swiping potatoes from your unsuspecting brother are the moments that make this day basically the best in the year. If you get half way through and need some motivation get Top of the Pops Christmas (1.50pm BBC1) on, there’ll be something for everyone, even aunty Pat.
When the turkey finally arrives
OK STOP EVERYTHING!! It’s time for the Queen’s Speech, only joking, that one’s for mum and the grandparents and you are more than happy to oblige because next comes Frozen (3.10pm BBC1). So, let it go, grab a massive box of chocolates, cause you know you still have room, and prepare to sing merrily (literally by this point) for 95 minutes of wholesome, magical joy. This is your only way to guarantee a white Christmas.
By now you may be thinking we’re sponsored by the Beeb, but… Bake Off!! And it’s a Christmas special (4.45pm BBC1) with some faces from the past (please let it be Norman). And, it’s OK because by now your dad will be ‘just resting his eyes’ (snoring in the armchair) and even though it makes you die a little bit, you know your mum has a crush on ‘silver fox’ Paul Hollywood. Nan’s s just happy to tut and point out all the errors our favey baker is making so it’s definitely all systems go; as long as nobody tells your sister that The Princess Diaries (4.25pm Film 4) is also on.
Turn the channel over, I dare you?
You are starting to flag, your bro has just made you watch Doctor Who (5.45pm BBC1) and the central heating (that you’ve been looking forward to abusing for weeks) along with the cheese board is sending you under. DON’T GIVE IN TO IT. This holiday comes just once a year people, get out the board games and put on Paul O’Grady: for the Love of Dogs at Christmas ( 6.45pm ITV). That way you can soak up the cuteness while your dad is laboring over a triple word score; Home Alone (6pm, Channel 4) is also a very valid choice.
You’ve all made up following dad’s blatant cheating and agreed he is banned from being banker ever again (or until next Christmas), but, now there’s a new issue. Gogglebox 2016 (9pm Channel 4) or Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (9pm ITV2)??? Yes, you do have the latter on DVD but somewhere between estrogen and empowerment you feel obliged to watch it whenever it’s on the telly.
If all else fails…
Full, sleepy, warm and tipsy, what you are feeling is Love Actually (11pm ITV). We’ve read the article that hilariously details all it’s flaws. We know airports aren’t like that and it’s kind of creepy for your husband’s best mate to show up on your doorstep to declare his love for you. We know that Sarah shouldn’t actually be head over’ for Karl because he’s a bit of a F**k boy. BUT, no, we will not let you spoil it. Pass the wine and the unrealistic ideals BC we are all over it.
Happy Holidays x